L'éléphant Cramoisi

So today was my first day of winemaking.

-What's that you say?? You're winemaking?


-Why yes computer. I'm making muscadine wine.


-Like in that song?


-Yes computer.


-Wow. Nice. *cough 'redneck!'*


-It's gonna be really good. You'll see. I've got a enough to make probably 20 bottles. Although it takes 2-4 years to fully mature.


-Geek. I guess that's cool though. Have you named it?


-What?


-You know. Like Boone's Farm, or Sutter Home.


-A**hole.


-But no seriously, have you named it?


-Yes computer. I'm calling it L'éléphant Cramoisi.


-Lell uh font cramsy?


-L'éléphant Cramoisi.


-What the hell does that mean?


-It means "the crimson elephant" in French. Don't you know how to translate hundreds of languages computer?


-Not when I'm set to understand only one, jerk!


-Oh. My bad.


-So anyways, its called the crimson elephant. Any other details??


-Sure. I used a recipe from this super old website, semi combined with two or three others I found online. But I'm mostly sticking with the first site.


-Wow...talk about your web 1.0. That's some low tech stuff.


-Yeah...but it seems legit. And my readings coincide with it!


-Readings? What are you reading? I'd recommend The Little Prince or A Perfect Day for Bananafish.


-No the wine readings! Chemical stuff. Duh.


-Ohhhh. That's another problem you get when your brain sees everything as definition number 1.


-It's ok computer.


-So what were the readings??


-Well, I guess I'll just go ahead and put them out factually.
Vinification:
Friday, September 11, 2009. 3-6pm (approx) and into primary fermentor.
No yeast added yet.
So far, must has 14lbs (approx) muscadines (13.5±0.5lbs scuppernongs.)
6 quarts of water.
5.8±0.2lbs of Sugar
0.05±0.1lbs of Raw Honey
2.1 tsp of yeast nutrient
2 crushed Campden tablets

Must Temperature (at 6:32pm CST): approx. 80°F.
Humidity (outside, 35401 zip code): 85%
Weather: Cloudy, 75°F (previously cooler and raining)
Pressure: 30.03
Dewpoint: 70°F

First Wine Readings:
pH= 3.3±0.1
SG= 1.112 (approx)
PA= 14%
Balling: 25

At approx 6am I will add pectic enzyme if I can find any.

At 6pm the yeast will be added and fermentation will actually begin.

Wine currently in: primary.

..................................

-Ba bo ba bo beep beep bo bap bo beep. Wow. That's a lot of information.....Wezley. (skip to 6:05 if you wanna see what I'm talking about.)


-I know computer. I don't even think it's that important. But it's nice to have.


-I guess....... Sure. It's great to have! I love information!!


-Suck up. You just don't wanna be replaced!


-----------------
Gandhi: "'Black and Tan'! High five, racial pride!"
George Washington Carver: "I don't like those movies, Mahatma. They're full of bad dialogue, contrived plot twists and they perpetuate racial stereotypes."
[throws a ball of paper towards the garbage, misses]